don't let the days go by...sertraline

She Keeps Bees is my new favorite band.

what's happening with the bee populations these days?  i hate how our media builds up excitement around one issue for a week or two...and then nothing is heard of it again.  i suppose it's up to the individual to follow whatever cause speaks to her.

i am feeling restless lately, like i have a beehive in my belly.  no, it's not the Level 4-spicy Tom Yum Goong i ate.  the turmoil is in my emotional body...maybe in my intellectual body.  it makes sense: i have not purged since before Christmas.  all the stuff that normally beats its wings against my brain until i rush to numb it out is spinning around, unfettered.  a year ago, i couldn't bear to be in the house alone.  i would almost inevitably binge and purge.  recently i've found caught myself browsing online stores for hours...i think i've always had a mild shopping addiction, and now that my food addiction is lessening, something has to fill the void.

what is so treacherous about the void?  it's big and empty, and my Shadow self resides there.  the Wild One, the one who wants to to leave everything and everyone behind and fly to Tasmania.  the one who wants to swim naked in cold water.  the one who is rude and vulgar and impatient.  the one who is not her culture's idea of a socially functional woman.

my Shadow Yoga teacher says that we must follow the shadow to the source of light to become balanced.  in the dark i am obsessed, but in the light i am passionate.  in the dark i am a dilettante; in the light, a renaissance woman.  we either flee our Shadow or become consumed by it.  but the day and night each have their time, and so things grow and bloom and die.

i am afraid to bloom.  afraid to step into the flow of creativity that will sweep me up and toss me around so that i have sand in my ears when i surface.  creativity is the realm of gods--of spirit.  it has nothing to do with me and everything.  if i close off, i get sick and die.  why can't i remember dying?

maybe it was intentionally uneventful so that it would pale in comparison to the life i'm now living.

once i become more adept at unblocking my creativity (Roto-Rooter for the chakras?), maybe i won't have such high highs and low lows.  maybe i can quit depending on sertraline HCl.  wouldn't THAT be nice.

this one was heavy.