re-solutions

i was hiking in the mud today with Satchel and thought about a painting i'd like to do: a tribute to my grandma, Virginia Tormos, who passed way a year ago today.  time goes by so quickly.  i still remember being in the first grade and thinking that all of the fifth graders looked enormous and intimidating; i couldn't wait to grow up.  these days i'd like to just slow everything down a bit.

the painting, For Virginia, is going to be mixed media.  lots of reds.  a nod to Puerto Rico, New York, cats and hats. 

(she loved to wear hats.)

why won't i let myself paint?  i caught myself watering my plants, making tea, adding gadgets to iGoogle, chopping vegetables...all instead of painting.  i think my inner child might be rebelling against productivity.  maybe a bribe will work...

i think this is the first January when i haven't gone all gung-ho on the New Year's goal-setting-life-revolutionizing-thing.  i'm in the middle of a lot of projects, and i plan to let things unfold.  i'm teaching two--possibly three--yoga classes, one meditation workshop, two after-school art classes and have yet to turn in two graduate applications.  not to mention i'm also co-running a household (with pets instead of children), studying/practicing yoga, recovering from an eating disorder, managing a crapload of anxiety, trying to stay healthy and keeping up my connection to the art world.  i feel more organized than ever, which is fabulous.

god, these entries are boring...i guess that's why i only have 3 followers.  maybe THAT will be my resolution...

RESOLVED: to find a more interesting gimmick for my blog.

wish me luck.

yo! ganesh!

hi again...

well, i don't have the discipline to to anything consistently...why should blogging be any different?

UC Berkeley's application is due on the 14th.  i HATE writing artist statements.  it all ends of sounding like too much sugary icing on cake.  but i don't have the cojones to write it all raw.  i need to stop censoring myself: i'm not my mother, after all.

in other developments, i seem to have slowed down the post-move binge-purge cycle.  i think a lot of it had to do with all the hiking and Bikram (tm) yoga i was doing.  now that my hamstring is re-injured, i'll have to find another outlet...like...painting, perhaps?

i'm so mad at myself for not having a new piece to flesh out my portfolio.  four months i had to get something done!  it's close to completion, but not 10-days-close.  or is it?  if i can sweat it out for 90 minutes in a 110-degree sauna doing deep backbends and balancing in vrksasana, i can probably do anything.  in fact, i know i can.

i am my own worst enemy; and my biggest obstacle.  i need a giant elephant-headed deity to "kick the living shit outta me."

crossroads

just when i felt i had the next 3 years of my life roughly planned out, BOOM!

but isn't that the story of my life?

so, it's back to researching grad schools.  what do i want out of a graduate program?  wouldn't i be content to paint commissions, teach yoga part time and live from paycheck to paycheck, worrying about whether or not my car will make the drive home from work each time?

ANSWER: not really.

i'm hungry to learn.  i need to manage my time better.  i want to see India and the Galapagos Islands and the Great Barrier Reef before i die, and for that i need time and money.  it would also be fantastic to have a car that doesn't require duct tape to hold it together.  an MFA is my meal ticket.  plus, if i don't find an art community where i'm going, i'm afraid i'll eventually lose interest in making art.

The candidates:

(1)  UC Berkeley, MFA Art Practice.  expensive, competitive, deep in the heart of Hippieland.  i would definitely fit in at Berkeley, but my undergrad experience at UCSD was less than awesome.  i get my own studio, but i won't be able to rely on public transportation to get there.  way to "go green," Berkeley.

(2)  California College of the Arts, MFA Fine Arts.  ridiculously expensive, 24-hour access to my own studio in San Francisco proper.  i like the fact that i won't just be investing in more figure drawing and landscape painting courses...they ask questions like, "So, i can paint...what now?  How is this relevant to a world in which most people have never heard of Betye Saar?"

(3)  California Institute of Integral Studies, MFA Creative Inquiry.  vague, but interesting title.  less expensive than CCA, but no studio space.  Not your typical art school snobbery, this program is similar to the one at JFKU, my first choice.

(4)  Academy of Art University, San Francisco, MFA Painting.  this is a long program (3 years).  no studio space.  rolling admissions mean i don't have to wait an entire year to start.  the electives don't sound all that fascinating.

(5)  Stanford University, MFA Art Practice.  UBER-COMPETITIVE!  Only 5 of 125 applicants are accepted.  GRE is required for admission (but scores are not considered...do i even have to pass?) and expensive to apply.  if accepted, tuition is paid IN FULL through fellowships and work-study.  i could be a teacher before getting a job as a teacher.  possibly no social life.

i guess i'm looking for a institution where i can balance alone-time in my studio with stimulating discussion in the classroom.  i'd like to build on my technical skills, but be encouraged to remain a human being who can hold a conversation with someone at a party.  i want to feel prepared when i hand my resume to the department chair at the University of Awesomeness Where I'd Like to Spend the Next 10 Years of My Life Teaching.  i want to feel supported, but challenged.  i want to find my niche.

all of this reflection on my life and my future is freaking me the hell out.  i ate chocolate for breakfast AND second lunch. (don't worry; i also ate a banana and some high-fiber bread.  lots of water.)  good thing it's friday.  i could use a dip in the pool and possibly some green vegetables.

speaking of food, i can't remember the last time i purged.  i'm pretty sure it has been more than a month...go, me!  if i could get As in my undergrad classes at UCSD while i was brainstarved and on the verge of heart attack, who knows how i might perform at Stanford...



* influential mixed-media artist from the Feminist Art Movement of the 1960s and 70s.  gurrrlllll, shoot.