day 3 of Spring Cleanse 2011

this is the third year that i've done a spring cleanse.  there's a lot of controversy surrounding detox "diets," especially with my history of eating disorders.  you can shake your heads and judge all you want, because i'm going to do it anyway.

the deal is: for 30 days, i will avoid all dairy products, meat, eggs, sugar and gluten.  i will not drink alcohol, coffee or black tea.  i will increase my consumption of water and herbal teas, drinking lemon/ginger tea (made with the real deal) and a bit of maple syrup (no high fructose here) first thing in the mornings and throughout the day, and ending with psyllium husks and senna tea (think natural, slow-acting ex-lax) in the evenings.  i will decrease my salt consumption (this is the toughest one!) to avoid water retention.

after about 2 weeks, i'll enter into the juice fast phase: all fruit and veggie juices with no protein.  this will last 3 days and is mainly just to flush the kidneys and give my system a break.

really, this isn't much different from my normal diet.  you all probably know how i love wine, so that might be tough.  i don't drink milk or eat yogurt (don't worry, i take calcium supplements and drink fortified almond milk), and i eat eggs and fish minimally.  i already drink tea like a mofo, though i'll miss my chai (i can still steep the spices with my almond milk and add a little maple syrup, especially when i'm craving chocolate at night).  yes, i love my goat cheese and occasional brie, so giving up cheese for 30 days might turn me into a cranky bitch, at least for the first 2 weeks...

there's still a ton of things i can eat.  kale, chard, spinach, broccoli, peppers, carrots, onion, garlic, squash, mushrooms and celery, to name a few.  all the herbs. (well, not ALL of them...)  avocados, berries, melons, citrus, coconut...raisins and dried fruit like cranberries and cherries (though they have added sugar, so used sparingly) do well to satisfy my sweet tooth.  quinoa, rice, barley, bulghur, buckwheat and millet for grains.  nuts and seeds.  and trust me, i've been eating lots of all of these.

the concept behind the dietary changes is that gluten, sugar and dairy products are symbolic of other things.  why do you think macaroni and cheese is considered a comfort food?  for 10 years, i've tried to numb out by consuming sugary, rich and bready foods, hoping that eating enough of them would soothe my broken heart, repair my low-self-esteem, give comfort to my sadness and quell my rages.  i became addicted to them as one becomes addicted to alcohol, using them to try and produce certain emotions while avoiding the uncomfortable ones.  so, for a short time every year, when the seasons change, i strip myself bare of these crutches to find out what comes out in me.

the diet helps make my body light and healthy so i can be ready to purge all the intangible crap.  this morning, before i even got out of bed, i identified some negative thoughts, mostly dealing with my insecurities in relationships, and wrote a letter to the person with whom i have the relationship.  signed it, dated it...and took it into the kitchen sink to light that sucker on fire.  taking a few deep breaths (careful not to inhale the fumes of burning paper and ink), i let those insecurities go up in flames and drift out the open kitchen window.  it didn't get rid of all the insecurity, but i feel better then i did.

i'll be trying to meditate for 15-20 minutes once or twice a day.  yesterday i took the dog out to the lake and let him run around like a crazy man.  it was strange to walk slowly, as i'm so used to jogging the trail, but i noticed a lot more of my surroundings.  i sat on the bank and watched the sun go down.

today i haven't felt as dizzy or weak, and no headache.  took some vitamin D at noon and had a good lunch before jumping on the computer to figure out some new yoga classes for the summer.

it's disturbing at first to let life slow down and unfold, to watch hunger creeping up on me and notice how i begin to crave certain tastes and textures at night even though i'm far from hungry.  very strange in this society to take time to watch the breath and feel sun and wind, to shiver because i'm cold and have that be okay.

think i'll end the day with a walk and yoga...not the burning kind, the kind that lets me go where i'll go.

cheese/sentimentality/thinkin' about stuff

we carry so much baggage with us, the weight of our parents' stories and their parents' stories...traumas and past lives and expectations and pressures.  we change and shift and shrug.  we become stronger and we break open.

yes. ten years ago i was--not a different person--a different version of myself: the ghost of a stone sculpture not yet articulated in sensuous curves and sharp-edged hollows.  i was a dream and a spark of what i am now...and right now, i am a spark of what i will become.

do we ever really get to reach our highest form?  yes.  maybe not while we are alive, but we are born with this perfection, this blazing joyful soul that becomes veiled as we age and learn and become burdened with knowledge and avoidance--and we return to that state in death.  i suppose select few make that transition while in human form: these are the Buddhas and Jesus Christs and Mohammeds and Mother Theresas, the anonymous ones who drag dying brothers to safety and who spend their days feeding and bathing the sick.  But most of us are trying to flip the Rubix cube while we are half-blind and roaring for affection and recognition.

i am no expert in love, though i know that i crave it and need it as much as i need water to keep my body running smoothly, as i crave pieces of dark chocolate on a select few days out of every month.  i know that love has many masks...and that love unmasked is more powerful than the weapons our government spends billions on every week.  i know that i can convince myself that i have it, that i am in it--or that i don't have it and won't ever know it, not truly.

the truth is that i am looking for the freedom that comes from pairing with a person who can look me in the eye as i lay down my burden of stories.  i need a best friend who will cherish me and call me out on my shit.  someone who is imperfect and adept like a chameleon, shifting to fit a mood, a mode of communication, a moment when i am glorious and frightening.  i need a lover who can undress me, and a confidante who can hold me when my mother dies--a partner who will have my back when i'm faced with a gang of demons ready to bludgeon me to death with their stinking fear, and a companion who will play Twister with me while Tom Waits, followed by Radiohead, followed by BB King, followed by Mozart plays on and on and on...

in return, i will offer every bit of who i am.  i will be lovely and sexy and honest and jealous.  i will cry and kiss and soothe with my fingertips.  i will complain and apologize and praise and bless.  i will be there, even when i am not.  i, too will be imperfect, and i will try so hard.  and i will back off and run away, but i will always come back.  and when our paths part, i will still love you.  and when we meet up again, i will not love you less. 

arcana

heavy blossoms fell last night with the rain. i tossed them into the compost pile this morning with hot, creamy cup of earl grey in hand, as i bid them make my soil rich.  there's another storm coming, and the air is pregnant with rain.

in tarot readings, there are a handful of cards that make you sit up straighter.  i drew Death, The Hanged Man, The High Priestess and Temperance.  these major arcana represent the forces of life over which i have no control. indeed, these specific cards represent, respectively:

transition. letting go of the past. returning to simplicity.  riding my Fate. moving from known to unknown.


sacrifice. emotional release.  relinquishing control.  taking time to be.  surrendering to experience.


waiting.  allowing.  withdrawing from involvement.  seeking inner guidance.  mystery.  intuition.


centering.  finding middle ground, equilibrium.  recovering.  healing.  flourishing.  synthesis.


i have put myself "out there."  now it's time to turn inward and wait.

i am horrible at waiting.  for all the patience i have as a yoga teacher and artist--waiting while my students drop into the space of relaxation, creating tiny beauty with my hands--when it comes to allowing my life to unfold as it is ready, i have all the patience of a sheepdog herding her flock.  which is silly, because i cannot rush myself into realizing my highest potential anymore than i can force flowers to rot.

ironically, the Priestess is my favorite card.  she is all that is unknown.  she is the lucid dreamer, the stargazer. she celebrates the moon in all its phases, preferring the dark and the shadow because they are the house of the soul.  she needs not wage war because destruction, death and rebirth are already occurring.  she recognizes that life is lived both forwards and backwards--that we are what we will ever become.

lying in savansana once i had a vision: the soul, in some cosmic waiting room looking out upon the entire Universe, gets to choose what human life it wants to live.  depending on its karmic level, it sees a summary of each possibility--with its black lows and jubilant highs--and makes its decision.  it forgets what it is, reminded by art, poetry, music, dancing, the heartbreaking resplendence of the sea--by the stars, by moments of hopeless despair, every time it falls in love.  all is decided because Fate is a thread: but the thread must be woven, seen through to the last warp. (this is a weaving term, yes?  come on, all you weavers!  challenge me if it is not!)

i am beginning to read James Hillman's The Soul's Code, because--as always--i am seeking.  he posits that there is a daimon in us all, a guardian that guides us to our highest selves at all costs.  the more we ignore, medicate, numb, oppose, repress the daimon, the more awake it becomes.  it is charged with our care because it loves us with a fierce love like blue fire.  it loves us more that we love ourselves.  when we are aligned with it, we feel whole and nourished.  but it takes courage to stay aligned.

so i will wait.  i will relinquish control and surrender to experience. i will be: with my close-set eyes and my petty insecurities...with my passionate voice and my depression...with my road rage and my tenderness.

i will be.

love, 2003, acrylic on canvas

crossroads

just when i felt i had the next 3 years of my life roughly planned out, BOOM!

but isn't that the story of my life?

so, it's back to researching grad schools.  what do i want out of a graduate program?  wouldn't i be content to paint commissions, teach yoga part time and live from paycheck to paycheck, worrying about whether or not my car will make the drive home from work each time?

ANSWER: not really.

i'm hungry to learn.  i need to manage my time better.  i want to see India and the Galapagos Islands and the Great Barrier Reef before i die, and for that i need time and money.  it would also be fantastic to have a car that doesn't require duct tape to hold it together.  an MFA is my meal ticket.  plus, if i don't find an art community where i'm going, i'm afraid i'll eventually lose interest in making art.

The candidates:

(1)  UC Berkeley, MFA Art Practice.  expensive, competitive, deep in the heart of Hippieland.  i would definitely fit in at Berkeley, but my undergrad experience at UCSD was less than awesome.  i get my own studio, but i won't be able to rely on public transportation to get there.  way to "go green," Berkeley.

(2)  California College of the Arts, MFA Fine Arts.  ridiculously expensive, 24-hour access to my own studio in San Francisco proper.  i like the fact that i won't just be investing in more figure drawing and landscape painting courses...they ask questions like, "So, i can paint...what now?  How is this relevant to a world in which most people have never heard of Betye Saar?"

(3)  California Institute of Integral Studies, MFA Creative Inquiry.  vague, but interesting title.  less expensive than CCA, but no studio space.  Not your typical art school snobbery, this program is similar to the one at JFKU, my first choice.

(4)  Academy of Art University, San Francisco, MFA Painting.  this is a long program (3 years).  no studio space.  rolling admissions mean i don't have to wait an entire year to start.  the electives don't sound all that fascinating.

(5)  Stanford University, MFA Art Practice.  UBER-COMPETITIVE!  Only 5 of 125 applicants are accepted.  GRE is required for admission (but scores are not considered...do i even have to pass?) and expensive to apply.  if accepted, tuition is paid IN FULL through fellowships and work-study.  i could be a teacher before getting a job as a teacher.  possibly no social life.

i guess i'm looking for a institution where i can balance alone-time in my studio with stimulating discussion in the classroom.  i'd like to build on my technical skills, but be encouraged to remain a human being who can hold a conversation with someone at a party.  i want to feel prepared when i hand my resume to the department chair at the University of Awesomeness Where I'd Like to Spend the Next 10 Years of My Life Teaching.  i want to feel supported, but challenged.  i want to find my niche.

all of this reflection on my life and my future is freaking me the hell out.  i ate chocolate for breakfast AND second lunch. (don't worry; i also ate a banana and some high-fiber bread.  lots of water.)  good thing it's friday.  i could use a dip in the pool and possibly some green vegetables.

speaking of food, i can't remember the last time i purged.  i'm pretty sure it has been more than a month...go, me!  if i could get As in my undergrad classes at UCSD while i was brainstarved and on the verge of heart attack, who knows how i might perform at Stanford...



* influential mixed-media artist from the Feminist Art Movement of the 1960s and 70s.  gurrrlllll, shoot.