so, it occurs to me, after reading some humor blogs, that maybe i take myself way too seriously. actually, i've known that for awhile. i've always been supersensitive about people laughing at me, or about looking stupid or foolish.
as i get older (is my birthday REALLY in less than 2 months?!?!?!?!) i'm learning to laugh at myself more. in fact, i feel as though i'm becoming less adult-like and more child-like. which, i think, is the definition of enlightenment...right? to become like a child, swapping innocence for wisdom? at least, that's kind of the interpretation i've taken away from studying Eastern philosophy. it seems like kind of a swell goal, in my opinion.
for example, i'm still in my pajamas--pajamas with monkeys in Santa hats on them--sitting at the kitchen bar counter where i have been for the last 5 hours reading Hyperbole and a Half, listening to jose gonzalez on YouTube and drinking tea. but i'm wise enough to know that i'd better get off my butt at some point and go get some physical activity or i won't be able to fall asleep because i'll have all this pent-up energy pinging around in my body like a superball in an abandoned warehouse. okay, i guess if i was really child-like, i'd be drinking Kool-Aid, not tea, and i'd be watching episodes of Animaniacs on YouTube...but Kool-Aid is really bad for you...so that's where the wisdom steps in. The Animaniacs episodes sound like a really superb idea, though.
actually, i'm fighting guilt for having done nothing productive (yet) today. a couple of years ago, i would not have been able to spend a day like this. my inner critic would have slaughtered my self-esteem with harsh words. these days, my inner critic--let's call her Mal, just to make it more interesting--these days, Mal's voice isn't so loud and is much easier to kind of blow off.
Mal: "really? it's 3:30pm and you're screwing around on Facebook in your pajamas? way to be, loser. you'll do GREAT in grad school."
Me: "hey! you know i go into Overachiever Mode as soon as academics enters the picture. i won't have this luxury when October comes around. i'll be working full time and taking classes and having to deal with living in a new place where i have to figure out where my bank is and how to change my address on record at the DMV and where to buy organic apples."
Mal: "seriously, you're a fat, lazy slob. you have a million things you should be doing right now..."
Me: "get bent. Katie just posted a photo on my Wall of an XL wine glass and it's hilarious and i have to comment on it."
Mal: "ugh. FINE."
see? normally, that conversation would have gone on and on until Mal convinced me to go run for 3 miles, practice yoga for an hour, organize my closet by color and write goodbye letters to all of my local friends.
i'm starting to find that the less i push, the less i resist and the less of a struggle it is do do the things that are good for me. i usually end up getting my bills paid on time, i've never been starving (though at one point i was eating nothing but brown rice and soymilk) and i've managed to keep myself on my antidepressant meds--or, if i went off for some reason, i was able to get back on before i started plummeting into a dark hole of apathy and self-loathing. go me!
i never imagined my life could be this good.
and it's only getting better.
EDIT: haha! i said "do do" somewhere in this post. if you found it, you win! if you giggled, you're welcome.
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