day 3 of Spring Cleanse 2011

this is the third year that i've done a spring cleanse.  there's a lot of controversy surrounding detox "diets," especially with my history of eating disorders.  you can shake your heads and judge all you want, because i'm going to do it anyway.

the deal is: for 30 days, i will avoid all dairy products, meat, eggs, sugar and gluten.  i will not drink alcohol, coffee or black tea.  i will increase my consumption of water and herbal teas, drinking lemon/ginger tea (made with the real deal) and a bit of maple syrup (no high fructose here) first thing in the mornings and throughout the day, and ending with psyllium husks and senna tea (think natural, slow-acting ex-lax) in the evenings.  i will decrease my salt consumption (this is the toughest one!) to avoid water retention.

after about 2 weeks, i'll enter into the juice fast phase: all fruit and veggie juices with no protein.  this will last 3 days and is mainly just to flush the kidneys and give my system a break.

really, this isn't much different from my normal diet.  you all probably know how i love wine, so that might be tough.  i don't drink milk or eat yogurt (don't worry, i take calcium supplements and drink fortified almond milk), and i eat eggs and fish minimally.  i already drink tea like a mofo, though i'll miss my chai (i can still steep the spices with my almond milk and add a little maple syrup, especially when i'm craving chocolate at night).  yes, i love my goat cheese and occasional brie, so giving up cheese for 30 days might turn me into a cranky bitch, at least for the first 2 weeks...

there's still a ton of things i can eat.  kale, chard, spinach, broccoli, peppers, carrots, onion, garlic, squash, mushrooms and celery, to name a few.  all the herbs. (well, not ALL of them...)  avocados, berries, melons, citrus, coconut...raisins and dried fruit like cranberries and cherries (though they have added sugar, so used sparingly) do well to satisfy my sweet tooth.  quinoa, rice, barley, bulghur, buckwheat and millet for grains.  nuts and seeds.  and trust me, i've been eating lots of all of these.

the concept behind the dietary changes is that gluten, sugar and dairy products are symbolic of other things.  why do you think macaroni and cheese is considered a comfort food?  for 10 years, i've tried to numb out by consuming sugary, rich and bready foods, hoping that eating enough of them would soothe my broken heart, repair my low-self-esteem, give comfort to my sadness and quell my rages.  i became addicted to them as one becomes addicted to alcohol, using them to try and produce certain emotions while avoiding the uncomfortable ones.  so, for a short time every year, when the seasons change, i strip myself bare of these crutches to find out what comes out in me.

the diet helps make my body light and healthy so i can be ready to purge all the intangible crap.  this morning, before i even got out of bed, i identified some negative thoughts, mostly dealing with my insecurities in relationships, and wrote a letter to the person with whom i have the relationship.  signed it, dated it...and took it into the kitchen sink to light that sucker on fire.  taking a few deep breaths (careful not to inhale the fumes of burning paper and ink), i let those insecurities go up in flames and drift out the open kitchen window.  it didn't get rid of all the insecurity, but i feel better then i did.

i'll be trying to meditate for 15-20 minutes once or twice a day.  yesterday i took the dog out to the lake and let him run around like a crazy man.  it was strange to walk slowly, as i'm so used to jogging the trail, but i noticed a lot more of my surroundings.  i sat on the bank and watched the sun go down.

today i haven't felt as dizzy or weak, and no headache.  took some vitamin D at noon and had a good lunch before jumping on the computer to figure out some new yoga classes for the summer.

it's disturbing at first to let life slow down and unfold, to watch hunger creeping up on me and notice how i begin to crave certain tastes and textures at night even though i'm far from hungry.  very strange in this society to take time to watch the breath and feel sun and wind, to shiver because i'm cold and have that be okay.

think i'll end the day with a walk and yoga...not the burning kind, the kind that lets me go where i'll go.

sun's out

after the storm, the world has been scrubbed clean.

the river banks are swollen with rain, the lakes coffee and cream, filled with silt lifted from the sandy bottom.  the surface of the earth is reshaped again and again and the animals find new crevices and hollowed-out places in which to sleep.  trees that were weak are felled, drowned and begin a slow journey back to the soil.

nature is cyclical.  i am cyclical: every full moon (or thereabouts) i am reminded of who i am and where i came from, whether i like it or not.  i remember that i am blood and tissue, bone and breath, but not only these things: i remember that one day, my soul will shed this body (which will begin a slow journey back to the soil) and return to fire, to the spark and the source from which it came.

my moods are cyclical, and i know why they name storms after women, why the sea is a feminine entity to those who travel through it.  drugs can help keep me tempered, but i am FEELING, i am the pull of the moon on the water and stuff gets dredged up--ready or not, here it comes.  whether that pull is joy or pain, it serves a purpose: it electrifies me and i remember that i'm here to do SOMETHING...

if only i had taken notes before my birth and left them somewhere secret, somewhere only i could find them.

but haven't i?

aren't those secrets written into the music that makes me shiver, inscribed in the eyes of the people i love?  i know i've smelled them in the air before the rain falls and heard them in those few seconds between lightning and thunder.  they're right there--maybe just out of reach--on late/early nights with too much wine and wet paintbrushes.  sometimes i check under rocks and leaves...between cracks in the pavement where weeds push through...under my lover's chin. sometimes the answers come clear.  but the other times--when they aren't--are enough to cause me to keep looking.

i'm a seeker...and because i'm not sure what it is i'm looking for, my search will never end.

Yakko, Wakko and Dot

so, it occurs to me, after reading some humor blogs, that maybe i take myself way too seriously.  actually, i've known that for awhile.  i've always been supersensitive about people laughing at me, or about looking stupid or foolish.

as i get older (is my birthday REALLY in less than 2 months?!?!?!?!) i'm learning to laugh at myself more.  in fact, i feel as though i'm becoming less adult-like and more child-like.  which, i think, is the definition of enlightenment...right?  to become like a child, swapping innocence for wisdom?  at least, that's kind of the interpretation i've taken away from studying Eastern philosophy.  it seems like kind of a swell goal, in my opinion.

for example, i'm still in my pajamas--pajamas with monkeys in Santa hats on them--sitting at the kitchen bar counter where i have been for the last 5 hours reading Hyperbole and a Half, listening to jose gonzalez on YouTube and drinking tea.  but i'm wise enough to know that i'd better get off my butt at some point and go get some physical activity or i won't be able to fall asleep because i'll have all this pent-up energy pinging around in my body like a superball in an abandoned warehouse.  okay, i guess if i was really child-like, i'd be drinking Kool-Aid, not tea, and i'd be watching episodes of Animaniacs on YouTube...but Kool-Aid is really bad for you...so that's where the wisdom steps in.  The Animaniacs episodes sound like a really superb idea, though.

actually, i'm fighting guilt for having done nothing productive (yet) today.  a couple of years ago, i would not have been able to spend a day like this.  my inner critic would have slaughtered my self-esteem with harsh words.  these days, my inner critic--let's call her Mal, just to make it more interesting--these days, Mal's voice isn't so loud and is much easier to kind of blow off.

Mal: "really?  it's 3:30pm and you're screwing around on Facebook in your pajamas?  way to be, loser.  you'll do GREAT in grad school."

Me: "hey!  you know i go into Overachiever Mode as soon as academics enters the picture.  i won't have this luxury when October comes around.  i'll be working full time and taking classes and having to deal with living in a new place where i have to figure out where my bank is and how to change my address on record at the DMV and where to buy organic apples."

Mal: "seriously, you're a fat, lazy slob.  you have a million things you should be doing right now..."

Me: "get bent.  Katie just posted a photo on my Wall of an XL wine glass and it's hilarious and i have to comment on it."

Mal:  "ugh.  FINE."

see? normally, that conversation would have gone on and on until Mal convinced me to go run for 3 miles, practice yoga for an hour, organize my closet by color and write goodbye letters to all of my local friends.

i'm starting to find that the less i push, the less i resist and the less of a struggle it is do do the things that are good for me.  i usually end up getting my bills paid on time, i've never been starving (though at one point i was eating nothing but brown rice and soymilk) and i've managed to keep myself on my antidepressant meds--or, if i went off for some reason, i was able to get back on before i started plummeting into a dark hole of apathy and self-loathing.  go me!

i never imagined my life could be this good.
and it's only getting better.

EDIT:  haha!  i said "do do" somewhere in this post.  if you found it, you win!  if you giggled, you're welcome.