i wonder if i will ever be able to feel like i deserve to eat. every bite of food i take is judged, as if it was a reflection of my own personal code of ethics: is this yogic enough? am i eating it because i enjoy it, or am i eating it to give a big "fuck you" to my inner critic? is that the best reason to eat something? will i feel guilty about it in a few hours? is this going to add to the fleshy curves of my body that i already have mixed feelings about? is this food rich enough that i'll have to go hiking for 2 hours even though my hamstring is injured and i need rest?
occasionally i still purge. i can't believe that i used to throw up anywhere up to 6 times every day, sometimes in rapid fire succession. it amazes me that i never had a heart attack. i still probably won't know the actual damage i've done to my organs for another two decades. the pain i sometimes feel to the right of my navel makes me nervous. then there are, of course, my teeth, which will never be the same...
these days i can sense the point between eating and bingeing, and the point at which i decide i'm going to purge--like running my fingers down the smooth surface of driftwood and finding a nearly imperceptible notch. at that notch i make my decision. i usually choose to be gentle with myself and sit with the guilt and anxiety. every now and then, i'll run straight to the toilet.
the after effects of a purge are similar to the feeling of being drunk or stoned. an adrenaline rush at the time of vomiting gives way to a numbed out, cotton-wrapped feeling. my thoughts slow down, my movements slow down. i get thirsty and dizzy. it's not a pleasant feeling for me anymore, but i suppose my mind still finds it preferable to the sting of sorrow or rage or loneliness, emotions that felt as though they would kill me when i was younger and--hard to believe--even more sensitive.
then i am pulled way down into a black pit, and the emptiness filling it is called Shame. no matter how much i try and talk to myself, soothe myself, tell myself i will not beat myself up about my behavior, there is always shame. the amount of time that it lasts is variable, but it follows close like sound from a jet.
i am in recovery, but not recovered. i would like to say i am recovered some day. i know i'll be close when i can stop purging, then stop bingeing/restricting. in reality, those three behaviors are so closely tied that it's hard to say which i'll be able to stop first. ideally, they'll all have to go. the funny thing is that everything is an addiction. i'm essentially trading one for another, an unhealthy one for a healthy one. non-attachment is the goal, but that might not happen in this lifetime. that's why i am so drawn to yoga: yoga teaches me to be separate from the storm though i am in the thick of it. i am still so reactive: it doesn't help that i am super sensitive and over-analytical.
i told a friend the other day that i believed i wasn't going to be one of the ones that die from their eating disorder. i do believe this...or do i just want to believe it? i am strong, but not invincible. we, as a country, forget about the wars we cannot see, but the battles rage on with our acknowledgement or without it. in the same way i need to be reminded that i am much more functional than i was when i was 5 years ago, but the scales can be tipped at any time...
occasionally i still purge. i can't believe that i used to throw up anywhere up to 6 times every day, sometimes in rapid fire succession. it amazes me that i never had a heart attack. i still probably won't know the actual damage i've done to my organs for another two decades. the pain i sometimes feel to the right of my navel makes me nervous. then there are, of course, my teeth, which will never be the same...
these days i can sense the point between eating and bingeing, and the point at which i decide i'm going to purge--like running my fingers down the smooth surface of driftwood and finding a nearly imperceptible notch. at that notch i make my decision. i usually choose to be gentle with myself and sit with the guilt and anxiety. every now and then, i'll run straight to the toilet.
the after effects of a purge are similar to the feeling of being drunk or stoned. an adrenaline rush at the time of vomiting gives way to a numbed out, cotton-wrapped feeling. my thoughts slow down, my movements slow down. i get thirsty and dizzy. it's not a pleasant feeling for me anymore, but i suppose my mind still finds it preferable to the sting of sorrow or rage or loneliness, emotions that felt as though they would kill me when i was younger and--hard to believe--even more sensitive.
then i am pulled way down into a black pit, and the emptiness filling it is called Shame. no matter how much i try and talk to myself, soothe myself, tell myself i will not beat myself up about my behavior, there is always shame. the amount of time that it lasts is variable, but it follows close like sound from a jet.
i am in recovery, but not recovered. i would like to say i am recovered some day. i know i'll be close when i can stop purging, then stop bingeing/restricting. in reality, those three behaviors are so closely tied that it's hard to say which i'll be able to stop first. ideally, they'll all have to go. the funny thing is that everything is an addiction. i'm essentially trading one for another, an unhealthy one for a healthy one. non-attachment is the goal, but that might not happen in this lifetime. that's why i am so drawn to yoga: yoga teaches me to be separate from the storm though i am in the thick of it. i am still so reactive: it doesn't help that i am super sensitive and over-analytical.
i told a friend the other day that i believed i wasn't going to be one of the ones that die from their eating disorder. i do believe this...or do i just want to believe it? i am strong, but not invincible. we, as a country, forget about the wars we cannot see, but the battles rage on with our acknowledgement or without it. in the same way i need to be reminded that i am much more functional than i was when i was 5 years ago, but the scales can be tipped at any time...
