day 3 of Spring Cleanse 2011

this is the third year that i've done a spring cleanse.  there's a lot of controversy surrounding detox "diets," especially with my history of eating disorders.  you can shake your heads and judge all you want, because i'm going to do it anyway.

the deal is: for 30 days, i will avoid all dairy products, meat, eggs, sugar and gluten.  i will not drink alcohol, coffee or black tea.  i will increase my consumption of water and herbal teas, drinking lemon/ginger tea (made with the real deal) and a bit of maple syrup (no high fructose here) first thing in the mornings and throughout the day, and ending with psyllium husks and senna tea (think natural, slow-acting ex-lax) in the evenings.  i will decrease my salt consumption (this is the toughest one!) to avoid water retention.

after about 2 weeks, i'll enter into the juice fast phase: all fruit and veggie juices with no protein.  this will last 3 days and is mainly just to flush the kidneys and give my system a break.

really, this isn't much different from my normal diet.  you all probably know how i love wine, so that might be tough.  i don't drink milk or eat yogurt (don't worry, i take calcium supplements and drink fortified almond milk), and i eat eggs and fish minimally.  i already drink tea like a mofo, though i'll miss my chai (i can still steep the spices with my almond milk and add a little maple syrup, especially when i'm craving chocolate at night).  yes, i love my goat cheese and occasional brie, so giving up cheese for 30 days might turn me into a cranky bitch, at least for the first 2 weeks...

there's still a ton of things i can eat.  kale, chard, spinach, broccoli, peppers, carrots, onion, garlic, squash, mushrooms and celery, to name a few.  all the herbs. (well, not ALL of them...)  avocados, berries, melons, citrus, coconut...raisins and dried fruit like cranberries and cherries (though they have added sugar, so used sparingly) do well to satisfy my sweet tooth.  quinoa, rice, barley, bulghur, buckwheat and millet for grains.  nuts and seeds.  and trust me, i've been eating lots of all of these.

the concept behind the dietary changes is that gluten, sugar and dairy products are symbolic of other things.  why do you think macaroni and cheese is considered a comfort food?  for 10 years, i've tried to numb out by consuming sugary, rich and bready foods, hoping that eating enough of them would soothe my broken heart, repair my low-self-esteem, give comfort to my sadness and quell my rages.  i became addicted to them as one becomes addicted to alcohol, using them to try and produce certain emotions while avoiding the uncomfortable ones.  so, for a short time every year, when the seasons change, i strip myself bare of these crutches to find out what comes out in me.

the diet helps make my body light and healthy so i can be ready to purge all the intangible crap.  this morning, before i even got out of bed, i identified some negative thoughts, mostly dealing with my insecurities in relationships, and wrote a letter to the person with whom i have the relationship.  signed it, dated it...and took it into the kitchen sink to light that sucker on fire.  taking a few deep breaths (careful not to inhale the fumes of burning paper and ink), i let those insecurities go up in flames and drift out the open kitchen window.  it didn't get rid of all the insecurity, but i feel better then i did.

i'll be trying to meditate for 15-20 minutes once or twice a day.  yesterday i took the dog out to the lake and let him run around like a crazy man.  it was strange to walk slowly, as i'm so used to jogging the trail, but i noticed a lot more of my surroundings.  i sat on the bank and watched the sun go down.

today i haven't felt as dizzy or weak, and no headache.  took some vitamin D at noon and had a good lunch before jumping on the computer to figure out some new yoga classes for the summer.

it's disturbing at first to let life slow down and unfold, to watch hunger creeping up on me and notice how i begin to crave certain tastes and textures at night even though i'm far from hungry.  very strange in this society to take time to watch the breath and feel sun and wind, to shiver because i'm cold and have that be okay.

think i'll end the day with a walk and yoga...not the burning kind, the kind that lets me go where i'll go.

feminism ain't about equality, it's about reprieve

amendment 
written by ani difranco

wouldn't it be nice if
we had an amendment
to give civil rights to
women
to once and for all just
really lay it down from
the point of view of
women
i know what you're thinkin'
that's just redundant
chicks got it good now
they can almost be president
but it's worker against worker
time and time again
'cause the rich use certain issues as a tool
and when i say we need the ERA it ain't 'cause i'm a fool
it's 'cause without it, nobody can get away with anything cool

you don't have to go far, like
just over to Canada
to feel a heightened sense of "live-and-let-live"
what is it about Americans, like so many pitbulls
trained to attack and never give
we gotta put down abortion
put it down in the books for good
as central to the civil rights
of women
make diversity legal
make it finally understood
to the civil rights of
women
and if you don't like abortion
don't have an abortion
and teach your children
how they can avoid them
but don't treat all women
like they are your children
compassion has many faces, many names
and if men can kill and be decorated instead of blamed
than a woman called upon to mother can choose to refrain

and contrary to eons
of old-time religion
your body's your only
true dominion
Nature is not here to serve you
or at any cost to preserve you
that's just some preacher man's
old-time opinion
life is sacred
life is also profane
a women's life it must be hers to name
let an amendment
put this brutal game to rest
trust that women will still take you to their breast
trust that women will always do their best
trust that differences make us stronger, not less

in this amendment shall be
"family structures shall be free"
we'll have the right to civil union
it takes unions of all kinds
unions of hearts and minds
to give society communion
let's do more than tolerate
let gay and straight resonate
and emanate all that is human
with equal rights and
equal protection
intolerance finally
ruined
and then there's the kids' rights
they'll naturally be on board
the funnel through which
women's lives are poured
our family is so big
we're all so very small
let a web of relationship
be laid over it all
over the strata of power piled up to the sky
over the illusion of autonomy on which it relies
over any absolute that nature does not supply

and the birthing woman shall regain her place
in a circle of women in a sacred space
turn off the machines
put away the knives
this amendment shall deliver from bondage
midwives

still at war

i wonder if i will ever be able to feel like i deserve to eat.  every bite of food i take is judged, as if it was a reflection of my own personal code of ethics:  is this yogic enough? am i eating it because i enjoy it, or am i eating it to give a big "fuck you" to my inner critic?  is that the best reason to eat something?  will i feel guilty about it in a few hours?  is this going to add to the fleshy curves of my body that i already have mixed feelings about?  is this food rich enough that i'll have to go hiking for 2 hours even though my hamstring is injured and i need rest?

occasionally i still purge.  i can't believe that i used to throw up anywhere up to 6 times every day, sometimes in rapid fire succession.  it amazes me that i never had a heart attack.  i still probably won't know the actual damage i've done to my organs for another two decades.  the pain i sometimes feel to the right of my navel makes me nervous.  then there are, of course, my teeth, which will never be the same...

these days i can sense the point between eating and bingeing, and the point at which i decide i'm going to purge--like running my fingers down the smooth surface of driftwood and finding a nearly imperceptible notch.  at that notch i make my decision.  i usually choose to be gentle with myself and sit with the guilt and anxiety.  every now and then, i'll run straight to the toilet.

the after effects of a purge are similar to the feeling of being drunk or stoned.  an adrenaline rush at the time of vomiting gives way to a numbed out, cotton-wrapped feeling.  my thoughts slow down, my movements slow down.  i get thirsty and dizzy.  it's not a pleasant feeling for me anymore, but i suppose my mind still finds it preferable to the sting of sorrow or rage or loneliness, emotions that felt as though they would kill me when i was younger and--hard to believe--even more sensitive.

then i am pulled way down into a black pit, and the emptiness filling it is called Shame.  no matter how much i try and talk to myself, soothe myself, tell myself i will not beat myself up about my behavior, there is always shame.  the amount of time that it lasts is variable, but it follows close like sound from a jet.

i am in recovery, but not recovered.  i would like to say i am recovered some day.  i know i'll be close when i can stop purging, then stop bingeing/restricting.  in reality, those three behaviors are so closely tied that it's hard to say which i'll be able to stop first.  ideally, they'll all have to go.  the funny thing is that everything is an addiction.  i'm essentially trading one for another, an unhealthy one for a healthy one.  non-attachment is the goal, but that might not happen in this lifetime.  that's why i am so drawn to yoga: yoga teaches me to be separate from the storm though i am in the thick of it.  i am still so reactive: it doesn't help that i am super sensitive and over-analytical.

i told a friend the other day that i believed i wasn't going to be one of the ones that die from their eating disorder.  i do believe this...or do i just want to believe it?  i am strong, but not invincible.  we, as a country, forget about the wars we cannot see, but the battles rage on with our acknowledgement or without it.  in the same way i need to be reminded that i am much more functional than i was when i was 5 years ago, but the scales can be tipped at any time...

"It's Not a Higher Calling...It's Just a Job"

my yoga teacher said this to me today and i was a little shocked and saddened.  i mean, i'm not the Buddha re-incarnate, but i'd like to think that yoga teachers--like any teacher, really--are special people.  not just anyone can teach individuals how to move and breathe, meditate and cultivate awareness.

i sometimes wonder if i will ever become jaded by life, or if i will remain an idealist as i am now.  i never want to work "just a job."  my time is precious, and i will not have it wasted on tasks that i do not love--or, at least, do not hate.  i don't mind hard work--not at all--but it better be fulfilling on some level.  i suppose it's all in my attitude.  sweeping a floor could potentially be fulfilling work, but i doubt it would fulfill me for long.  i must be challenged to be happy, and also to feel like i am using my talents and skills for a greater good.

may i never become entrenched in a career i hate because i'm too afraid to make a change.