fear or love?

i'm sitting and gazing at my painting.  more trees.  i think i love them so much because they are quiet, patient things, and yet the growth of their roots can break cement and penetrate solid rock.

patience is a virtue, but when does tolerance become a lack of boundaries?  as i learn to be more accepting of myself and the path my life has taken, i try to accept people as they are--imperfect, with their own issues, disorders...human equivalents of mechanical glitches.  if i am perfectly imperfect, then so must be everyone else.  is it so abnormal that my ego gets bruised, then, when another's comments cause me to sit up and scream (in my own head, of course), what the f*&# did you just tell me that for?

i get jealous.  i am insecure about my looks, about my career path, about where i live.  it's not so much that i have learned to like all these aspects of my life, but i have realized that they might change--or not--in time...but i cannot speed up or slow down the course of Nature.  i am where i need to be.  i celebrate what i have been through because it is life, and life is Divine Love's gift to my soul.  it would be rude to toss it over my shoulder like a dirty sock, though i've tried to do that in my past.

at the same time, i have my doubts.


of all the pairs of eyes in the world, why is it that i react so strongly to these?  of all the painting styles in the world, why do i feel compelled to slather gel medium onto my canvas and proceed to pile up all sorts of ridiculous materials on top of it, until it hurts my brain to look at it? 

i suppose the question becomes:

do i act out of fear--or out of love?

as much as he drives me mad with the things he says sometimes, i love him. as tedious and sticky as my creative process gets sometimes, i love to do it.  as loud as the voice in my head gets, telling me "what are you doing?"--it gives me reason to love my life.

who decides what is healthy, normal or sane?  as long as no violence is being done to self or others, knock yourself out.  it's all a learning experience.