stigma

i used to think i had good intuition.  

i want to have good intuition.  i'm a woman, and therefore, it is my birthright to have exceptional sensitivity to threat, danger, evil...also goodness, sincerity and vibrancy.  back in the day, we had to find a mate who would help us to conceive healthy, strong offspring, to provide us with protection, security and the resources for survival.  large chest.  strong arms.  chiseled features.  well-endowed? oui.


fast forward to 2009, and i have no idea what the ideal mate might look like, sound like, smell like.  my chemistry--my hormones--have absolutely no communication with my intellect, and it's getting real, REAL frustrating. 

man? woman? older? younger?  

bad boy?  genius boy?  responsible boy?  art boy? hot boy?  man-boy with no business "walking the fence," shall we say?  makes it exciting until it makes it trying and tiring.  where the hell are all my choices? 



i am in my workplace, minding my own business.  i have just ended a relationship.  i have sworn off any type of liason for AT LEAST a month...maybe two?  i need to focus on my art.  my spiritual growth.  i want to be able to finish all 108 sun salutations for the New Year's Mala.  

i am not lonely, am i?  no.  no?  no.  i'm good.  i'm single.  i'm just living my life.


boy meets girl.  boy gives girl number.  girl calls number.  girl sets up meeting over wine.  boy is...not the artist she thought he might be?  boy is...mysterious, fragmented, interesting, brilliant?  boy is...diagnosed?  so is girl.  everyone has the right to a "normal" life. right?  full life?  blind leading the just-emerging-into-the-big-time?  chemistry is good.  so is chocolate.  mmm, chocolate.  girl needs to find chocolate boy?

dating is dead.  courting is dead.  is it me?  is there a big tattoo on my forehead: OPEN, IMPRESSIONABLE, NAIEVE, PATIENT, ADORABLE, BUT SHELTERED, BUT CRAZY TOO...C'MON OVER?

am i sabotaging myself?  am i living in the moment, trying not to make assumptions?  am i rebelling against my parents: What Would Mom NOT Do?  do i think i'm keeping an open heart?  am i?  am i  a fool?  am i mature or just young and stupid?

i guess it doesn't really matter.  it is what it is (does EVERYONE use this phrase?).  live life until you are full to overflowing, or sit and rot inside your little suburban bubble.  

i, for one, am going to write one bitchin' autobiography.