my "Harsh Truths" reading this morning looked something like this:
WHAT I WANT TO SEE/BELIEVE:
ace of wands: passion, optimism, enthusiasm, drive, beginnings, the source.
i want to believe that i have the drive, the wellspring of energy, the optimism to support my own passions and recovery--to realize my full potential and come to a place of wholeness. i also want to support the people i love as well: to encourage, to help with the processing of events and experiences, to nurture and provide safety for them.
WHAT I DON'T WANT TO SEE/BELIEVE:
xv the devil: temptation, obsession, addiction, unbridled desires, wild behavior, a lust for life.
i get obsessive about things; i fixate on a challenge or a task until it obliterates the balance in my life. i restrict my existence--food, sex, emotions, money--until the buildup of "being good" erupts into the wildness of a binge. by the time i realize what has happened, i am left panting and exhausted...and alone.
WHAT IS TRUE:
iv the emperor: ambition, courage, motivation, rational thought, conquest, legacy
i am the king: i am in control of my environment, my body, my temper, my instincts, my love life. this is not the time to give in to the needs/wants of others. if my kingdom is unpleasant and wretched to oversee, then it is by my own doing.
WHAT I WANT TO HAPPEN:
8 of wands: excitement, bliss, euphoria, rapture, ecstasy, nirvana, pleasure
i want to have no fear, no obstacles to my bliss. i want to live, love, laugh in joy--without stress, without worry. i want to look my demons in the face and laugh until i cry. i want to be wildly happy and experience transcendent pleasure...and i deserve it.
WHAT I DON'T WANT TO HAPPEN:
9 of swords: despair, worry, pressure, guilt, depression, hopelessness, melancholy
i've been here before, and it is a brutal country. i don't care to return. as it is, i am worried about slipping into that dark hole, the place where my strength and stubbornness is what keeps me from catapulting out. it's just a bad dream--WAKE UP.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN:
10 of wands: declaration, warning, advice, guidance, dissuasion, caution
fitting that i begin at the ace and end at the 10. i have taken up the burden in order to gain some illusion of control. i cannot save anyone, nor do i have the energy. the advice is to put down that which is unnecessary, that which is sapping my strength. what is it that i am putting more into than i get out of? let it go. i am done. time to restore my energy.
i hate television, but a phrase i heard last night stuck with me through some pretty intense dreams into the morning: "Sometimes you just have to accept that you can't save everyone."
i am not Florence Nightingale. I am Melanie Tormos, and my whole life is ahead of me.
10.29.2009
10.20.2009
reuniting soon
i haven't posted in awhile. lots of things have been happening...meeting lots of people, feeling confused, angry, sad, scared...terrified?
thought i would have a heart attack a little while ago. my heart has seemed to find it's natural rhythm now...all it took was a few deep breaths, some laughter. feeling love and forgiveness in my heart. deep affection. relief, because even though i know less than i did, i know more. i thought i knew what was happening, then all at once i panicked, probably from the shock of knowing it was truth--"knowing" not from proof or confirmation, simply from a feeling, a knowing in my heart and in my soul.
what if you could "see" the web in which we are all woven together? everything is connected, you know, like a beautiful, intricate matrix, delicate strings. fine mesh. the paper-thin membrane that holds our muscles, our innards--our bodies intact, appearing to be tenuous and fragile, but with immense, amazing tenacity. everyone go out and cast your circles. become aware of who you are...really. study your past because it is your future. the less you are aware of, the longer it will take you to figure it out the next time around. good thing you get to choose who you want to live as...choose your own adventure.
am i in danger? i don't know. i know danger when i feel it, so i suppose i'll have to stay alert. but i usually always am, even when it seems like i am not. i have studied well, and am on my way to mastering the state of think/no-think...of exploring sheath by sheath the full energy of my being.
it's beautiful. terribly so.
i used to think it horrible to be so sensitive. an empath. a healer. how could that be horrible? how can parents tell their children, "don't be sensitive?" it is better to be coarse? vulgar? callous? rough? i would rather be gentle, refined, soft, flowing, receptive. open. learn to control the opening and closing of the chakras...THAT will protect you.
10.08.2009
day 2 of painting
creation. creativity.
i create for the sheer joy of making something out of nothing.
an old toy cell phone...a walnut...broken scissors handles...scraps of fabric and bits of paper...broken glass...sewing thread...bubble wrap. these are undone from their identities and become part of something larger and more beautiful, more fantastic. it takes energy and time, a labor of love.
paint gets under my nails and in my cuticles, and somehow, i have a bright red streak on my neck.
i have no idea what the finished product will look like, but i know it will be something. people will look at it...and look...and look. i look now as it sits, propped up against the wall, parts of canvas showing through and messy strokes sketching the movement of the shapes.
it changes every minute, every hour, every day.
why do i crave this? who WOULDN'T want to create? with the intention of taking unrelated parts and making them whole, of uniting and harmonizing color, line, shape, texture, i realize that i produce beauty because I AM beautiful. creativity is a ritual to honor our own divine, sublime, innate beauty. it resonates with others because, as beautiful beings, they recognize beauty. remember that the next time you are drawn to a picture, a drawing, a photo. visit museums, galleries, art fairs. read. attend plays, operas, ballets, symphonies. sing. dance. cook. make love. whatever you create, manifest it in a spirit of joy, gratitude and love.
i create for the sheer joy of making something out of nothing.
an old toy cell phone...a walnut...broken scissors handles...scraps of fabric and bits of paper...broken glass...sewing thread...bubble wrap. these are undone from their identities and become part of something larger and more beautiful, more fantastic. it takes energy and time, a labor of love.
paint gets under my nails and in my cuticles, and somehow, i have a bright red streak on my neck.
i have no idea what the finished product will look like, but i know it will be something. people will look at it...and look...and look. i look now as it sits, propped up against the wall, parts of canvas showing through and messy strokes sketching the movement of the shapes.
it changes every minute, every hour, every day.
why do i crave this? who WOULDN'T want to create? with the intention of taking unrelated parts and making them whole, of uniting and harmonizing color, line, shape, texture, i realize that i produce beauty because I AM beautiful. creativity is a ritual to honor our own divine, sublime, innate beauty. it resonates with others because, as beautiful beings, they recognize beauty. remember that the next time you are drawn to a picture, a drawing, a photo. visit museums, galleries, art fairs. read. attend plays, operas, ballets, symphonies. sing. dance. cook. make love. whatever you create, manifest it in a spirit of joy, gratitude and love.
10.06.2009
you can't be full and be filled
yesterday i trekked into the Ojai hills.
(the autumn is clearly upon us: the wind tells me, the light tells me.)
i had no vision of my destination and there was a moment when i hesitated, not knowing how far i would be going, or if i had enough water. but the momentum drove me on. up and up and up, feeling blood push through my veins and bring a flush to my cheeks. the pure air drove me on. each step connected me to the dry, dusty earth, even as i rose higher towards the California sky. the footfalls behind me drove me on.
the silence was delicious. low shrubs shed their seeds and manzanita bark peeled up to form ruby curls. (the plant kingdom is so alien, so fascinating.) when the clouds passed over the sun, the air chilled; when the trail curved back into the light, the air lightly baked my skin. i meditated. breathing in, i am breathing in. breathing out, i am breathing out. panic, anxiety, anger, rage, sorrow, weariness, one by one they bubbled up into my consciousness and then burst at the crown of my head. i passed many layers while i walked.
the point is that i cannot receive this in civilization. if i do, it is a teasing taste, and temporary. only between the vast expanse of sky and the craggy mass of shale and sandstone--or between the deep and the shallows of the sea--do i ever totally decompress.
today, my sore muscles remind me. they remind me of my strength, and also of my vulnerability. i don't know who or what i am, and not knowing makes me confident in what i must do. thank you, gaia, for selflessly giving me pause. for absorbing the ugly heaviness of human life, the residue of the ego. for keeping me from complacency and reminding me of where i come from.
sinking my roots and turning my face up to the sun, i smile. i cry. i am.
(the autumn is clearly upon us: the wind tells me, the light tells me.)
i had no vision of my destination and there was a moment when i hesitated, not knowing how far i would be going, or if i had enough water. but the momentum drove me on. up and up and up, feeling blood push through my veins and bring a flush to my cheeks. the pure air drove me on. each step connected me to the dry, dusty earth, even as i rose higher towards the California sky. the footfalls behind me drove me on.
the silence was delicious. low shrubs shed their seeds and manzanita bark peeled up to form ruby curls. (the plant kingdom is so alien, so fascinating.) when the clouds passed over the sun, the air chilled; when the trail curved back into the light, the air lightly baked my skin. i meditated. breathing in, i am breathing in. breathing out, i am breathing out. panic, anxiety, anger, rage, sorrow, weariness, one by one they bubbled up into my consciousness and then burst at the crown of my head. i passed many layers while i walked.
the point is that i cannot receive this in civilization. if i do, it is a teasing taste, and temporary. only between the vast expanse of sky and the craggy mass of shale and sandstone--or between the deep and the shallows of the sea--do i ever totally decompress.
today, my sore muscles remind me. they remind me of my strength, and also of my vulnerability. i don't know who or what i am, and not knowing makes me confident in what i must do. thank you, gaia, for selflessly giving me pause. for absorbing the ugly heaviness of human life, the residue of the ego. for keeping me from complacency and reminding me of where i come from.
sinking my roots and turning my face up to the sun, i smile. i cry. i am.
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