10 of wands

my "Harsh Truths" reading this morning looked something like this:

WHAT I WANT TO SEE/BELIEVE:
ace of wands: passion, optimism, enthusiasm, drive, beginnings, the source.

i want to believe that i have the drive, the wellspring of energy, the optimism to support my own passions and recovery--to realize my full potential and come to a place of wholeness.  i also want to support the people i love as well: to encourage, to help with the processing of events and experiences, to nurture and provide safety for them.


WHAT I DON'T WANT TO SEE/BELIEVE:
xv the devil: temptation, obsession, addiction, unbridled desires, wild behavior, a lust for life.

i get obsessive about things; i fixate on a challenge or a task until it obliterates the balance in my life.  i restrict my existence--food, sex, emotions, money--until the buildup of "being good" erupts into the wildness of a binge.  by the time i realize what has happened, i am left panting and exhausted...and alone.


WHAT IS TRUE:
iv the emperor: ambition, courage, motivation, rational thought, conquest, legacy

i am the king: i am in control of my environment, my body, my temper, my instincts, my love life.  this is not the time to give in to the needs/wants of others.  if my kingdom is unpleasant and wretched to oversee, then it is by my own doing.


WHAT I WANT TO HAPPEN:
8 of wands: excitement, bliss, euphoria, rapture, ecstasy, nirvana, pleasure

i want to have no fear, no obstacles to my bliss.  i want to live, love, laugh in joy--without stress, without worry.  i want to look my demons in the face and laugh until i cry.  i want to be wildly happy and experience transcendent pleasure...and i deserve it.


WHAT I DON'T WANT TO HAPPEN:
9 of swords: despair, worry, pressure, guilt, depression, hopelessness, melancholy

i've been here before, and it is a brutal country.  i don't care to return.  as it is, i am worried about slipping into that dark hole, the place where my strength and stubbornness is what keeps me from catapulting out.  it's just a bad dream--WAKE UP.


WHAT WILL HAPPEN:
10 of wands: declaration, warning, advice, guidance, dissuasion, caution

fitting that i begin at the ace and end at the 10.  i have taken up the burden in order to gain some illusion of control.  i cannot save anyone, nor do i have the energy.  the advice is to put down that which is unnecessary, that which is sapping my strength.  what is it that i am putting more into than i get out of?  let it go.  i am done.  time to restore my energy.

i hate television, but a phrase i heard last night stuck with me through some pretty intense dreams into the morning:  "Sometimes you just have to accept that you can't save everyone."

i am not Florence Nightingale.  I am Melanie Tormos, and my whole life is ahead of me.