good grief

i've spent a lot of my life grieving.  i'm getting good at it.

grief provides the crucible in which my soul is scoured clean.  thank you for the pleasure and the pain, for one does not exist without the other.  i had almost forgotten to feel how wonderful it is to be alive.  i need reminding every now and again.

thank you for friendships that withstand the fluctuation of ego and the chaos right before the phoenix rises. i know some of you feel the pain i feel.  don't get too immersed in it.  i don't plan to.  but give me my time to grieve.  let me be sad and angry and confused while the gold specks settle to the bottom of the pan.  i sifted through much grit and sledge this time around.

matriarchal society.  it has been a long time.  i suppose it makes sense that it would save our existence as human beings on this planet.  that transformation will hurt a bit, like needle sliding into flesh.  cant watch it, can you?  i watch it.  its happening...might as well be present to it.  besides, i hold the superstition that when one of the senses is incapacitated, the others are enhanced to compensate.  let the visual be the distraction.

i could raise a boy to be a man.  raise a girl to be a woman.  give me a few years. maybe even a decade.  i will be fantastic as a parent.  for once, my ultra-sensitivity will have use outside of the field of healing and fine arts.  though my archetype does not show Mother, it is in me by virtue of being female.  or maybe i won't have a child.  i can't see the future, though i do have visions of it.  vivid feelings of what will be.

i loved you.  i think i do still.  that's why i cannot be with you.  i would be miserable with you, deep down.  you may have me in small doses:  a phone conversation, chat windows, text messages.  meetings for lunch, for a beer, for a shoulder to cry on, for help with a yoga pose or a tarot reading.  let's discuss art.  beauty.  society.  education.  lovers?  no.  i think that is a landmark that has passed.