thanks

Abundance is eating an entire basket of fresh raspberries still warm from the California sun.

Abundance is swimming under the stars with someone you cannot stop kissing.

Abundance is a luxurious shower with hot water and grapefruit-scented shampoo.

Abundance is uploading and listening to a gorgeous song that carries you through your day.

Abundance is the laughter shared with your mother in the early morning.

Abundance is packing a healthy lunch that will fuel your body and brain come early afternoon.

Abundance is receiving a wonderful massage from someone who genuinely cares whether you are in pain or not.

Abundance is sharing tea and strawberries with someone who leans in to kiss your cheek every so often.

My life is so rich

so full

so exquisitely bursting at the seams with abundance

that I cannot help but express my deep gratitude.

"It's Not a Higher Calling...It's Just a Job"

my yoga teacher said this to me today and i was a little shocked and saddened.  i mean, i'm not the Buddha re-incarnate, but i'd like to think that yoga teachers--like any teacher, really--are special people.  not just anyone can teach individuals how to move and breathe, meditate and cultivate awareness.

i sometimes wonder if i will ever become jaded by life, or if i will remain an idealist as i am now.  i never want to work "just a job."  my time is precious, and i will not have it wasted on tasks that i do not love--or, at least, do not hate.  i don't mind hard work--not at all--but it better be fulfilling on some level.  i suppose it's all in my attitude.  sweeping a floor could potentially be fulfilling work, but i doubt it would fulfill me for long.  i must be challenged to be happy, and also to feel like i am using my talents and skills for a greater good.

may i never become entrenched in a career i hate because i'm too afraid to make a change.

drop it like it's hot

after a long hiatus, i'm back to write.

yesterday i sent off my application to JFK University.  as usual, a pattern of self-sabotage led me to save plenty of work until the very last minute; i feverishly finished typing both my artist statement AND my personal statement, burned 14 images of my artwork onto a CD, printed everything out (double copies) stuffed them into an envelope...only to arrive at the post office and have to open it back up and put in in the FedEx envelope.  $18.13 later, i find out it won't arrive in Pleasant Hill until Thursday, July 1.  the deadline is today.  le sigh.

i suppose if it is meant to be, JFK will still accept it.  what more can i do?  if i am not accepted, i will take it to mean i need to spend the next few months looking at the origins of my resistance to deadlines.  it's a disease i've had for a long time, probably having something to do with feeling unworthy.

i'm exhausted and feeling a bit numb.  anxious to know whether or not my plans for the future will be realized, or if i'll have to revamp.  either way, i'll be moving myself and my meager collection of personal belongings up to beautiful San Leandro.  it's bittersweet, exciting, terrifying.  where will i work?  what will become of the man i'm dating?  (avoidance of the whole issue seems to be the name of the game.)  why is it that now, as i teach my last classes at the yoga center, am i receiving the best feedback of my short career?

the lesson here appears to be How To Let Go.  it's not an easy one for me--or for anyone.  i like to hang onto the good stuff, the pleasant, the fun.  i even like to hang onto the not-so-pleasant stuff, i guess because it's familiar, or i feel like i have no other options.  what would happen if i could remain unattached to the outcomes?  how can i develop intimacy with people but know when i need to move on from the relationship?  i don't think there is any clear answer except: listen to my heart.  i hope i can recognize what it sounds like when it speaks.