i feel bad for having to draw a boundary, a line in the sand, an awkwardly erected barrier--not a membrane--to protect myself. it has never been easy for me to act when i know someone's feelings are hurt. but mine hurt first.
i've already made reference in past posts to things that were said to me that made me wince, made me feel disrespected. this was not unwarranted--it has been building over the last month. i tried...i really tried to be patient, to be understanding, to be accepting. i am still all those things. but i cannot tolerate venomous speech, or the he said, she said changing to fit the needs of one party. and i cannot abide infidelity or disloyalty. i appreciate honesty. but i don't share well with others when it comes to intimacy. for me, sex and intimacy cannot be separated, just like the soul and the Divine cannot be separated.
i will miss many things about you. despite the pain i felt when you first told me someone else might be coming into the picture, i still respect your will to survive and to attempt, in your way, to work through your anger and hurt. i will miss your sense of humor, the brilliance of your mind, your spontaneity. even when you whispered, "Thanks for the fuck," in my ear after i spilled my guts to you about my experiences with date rape, i hold no bitterness. i only feel sorry that you seem to have so much difficulty in sustaining romantic relationships, that you fear vulnerability and the loss of control.
i know you are intelligent enough to figure out exactly what to say to me to make me want to come back for more. i suppose i was trying to convince myself that i wasn't seeing the blatant manipulation in our relationship. i knew from the very start, when you exploded with defensiveness at my first mention of the M-word. don't you know that people don't like to be mind-fucked?
you cannot manipulate true, unconditional love. that kind of love is constant and solid and true. i do not have romantic love for you anymore. that love died as i sobbed and sobbed 2 days ago, imagining you approaching me in a month, two months', 6 mponths' time with your new girlfriend in tow.
yes, i am still physically attracted to you. yes, i still love you as a human being who has died and been revived to fulfill a sacred contract in this lifetime. i love the child in you who was hurt and betrayed in some way, long ago. i wish we could have a friendship together, but i don't even think that's possible. you clearly feel i have jilted you, abandoned you, walked away, given up. you will believe what you believe.
one last time, i love you, too.
muah.
until we meet again, maybe in another life, when we are cats.
4 comments:
p.s.--i genuinely hope you are able to see your children some day soon.
lastly - you leaned your body into mine and stated "FUCK ME" so we did. hen i reciprocated your first intonation "thanks forthe fuck" as wo consenting adults.
though you are a badly shaken person - shall i show how some very bad dudes "handled" your father since you were 8 and that your entire existence to them was raising a peurto rican filly to fuck - not have children not really - a back up a front line of kids maybe - not a WHITE child though - melanie - you can take his all out on me.
when you were 8 i was 18 and going to college - i did not meet you until i was 38 and you 28. that is 20 years of training. therefore - what you say is suspect - unless under hypnosis - which yopu have provided and it is was not a date honey - not by a long shot.
there were guns and drug overdose was likely - maybe heroin to bring down the meth - a huge line that burned - not good doll.
you are hurting. get well - ime will tell the story in detail and you will be well. they broke the body with a bottle - girls do that at bachelor parities at times - we all know this if we seek that info. you were guided away from that info on purpose. you have a half bro on purpose - they set you ded up.
some sort of medical company helath care company director? that is big stuff in this county. that's a lot of power to help the funnel in LALAland.
sorry melanie you were planted to see me at that gallery and taht painting was placed to pull me to you - on purpose. just a matter of time. the miata they used? your dad's miata- i was supposed to not walk again - my last screw you - their "screw".
i lived with hese animals melanie when they are off meth- mostly. they talk about scenarios honey. of course i am testifying. you should do he same. he last hree years- should you not have taken a black lover and pissed them off you would be hooking now.
those are the behind the scenes people that have affected every single day of your life since you arrived in california nad likely a few months before that even.
it is how it happens and i am sorry for your belief that i am as you desciribe. you are fourth in your calss and it shows in the writing and ability to read and recall. that is grea physical practice that you have. if not that - your body would be one giant stress pimple.
you are not an item to me. a lover and with my lovers i sense the anguish they go throug - and the joy. i am a patient lover and i am skilled - i am neraly forty. i know what it is i see melanie and you are affected by grief.
i am here now for you later for you. you have your space with me. whe went over two weeks on platonic status without a problem. you are a mole honey.
like the little moe on your butt, right cheeck , underside.
give them up - get cleaned up - i need you.
what i said in the heat of the passionate moment did not need to be repeated the next morning in broad daylight in such a creepy way. THAT is what made me cringe and reconsider being intimate with you.
i was not kidnapped. i willingly went out with co-workers. like you said, they took advantage of the situation. and it was one guy, not a gang. that much i do remember.
secondly, my dad did not hit you. my mom did not call you Mr. Wu with the knowledge of the D.A. and i don't appreciate you calling me a "puerto rican filly to fuck." you're just as vulgar as all the rest of 'em...no surprise.
i'm sorry you are so deluded. please do not "cut back" on your meds. i want you to be well and have fulfilling relationships. i really, really tried to be your friend, to be someone who cared for and accepted you. why are you doing this to me? don't you want to not be alone?
oh--and you say you need me? show me.
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