the castle, the lotus-flower shrine and Spirit

i often feel alone.  not necessarily lonely, but i don't have many peers my age...they're either younger or older.  i suppose i am emotionally/psychologically closer to 24 years old, though my soul feels ancient.  i relate to everyone, regardless of age, sex, ethnicity, socioeconomic status and mental health, but i have a difficult time trusting people enough to really open up.

actually--flip that.  i tend to put all of my trust in people very quickly.  but my trust in others is fragile, and it doesn't take much to betray it.  when i DO feel my trust is betrayed, i retract back into my shell, turtle-like, and i begin to nurse my wounds.

my mother told me just today that i am too nice.  my parents have also said i was too sensitive.  apparently, i need to be less nice and more coarse and obtuse to fit into society.  i find these statements fascinating.

i don't know if i'll ever feel like i really "fit in" here, in this world.  if i was a wolf, i'd be a loner in the pack.  on the outside, it looks all groovy and normal, the way i can make small talk and be responsible.  i suppose everyone has similar feelings and thoughts at one time or another...that's the ego talking, the part of us that tries to make it seem like we are special, unique, individualistic.  true: every person has a gift, a talent, specific strengths.  but on another, fundamental level, we all crave and need love and nurturance.

this isn't news: people have been saying this for centuries--even longer.  read the Upanishads.  but sometimes i forget, and it's more comfortable to try and separate myself from people so that my ego can say, "See?  i told you you were odd.  I told you you'll never feel like you're part of your species."

so, for now, i will just have to reread those passages that tell me i am part of something great and wonderful.  regardless of my disorders, my issues, my strengths and talents, i am worth no less-and no more--than any other sentient being.

"OM.  In the centre of the castle of Brahman, our own body, there is a small shrine in the form of a lotus-flower, and within can be found a small space.  We should find who dwells there, and we should want to know him[/her].....And if anyone asks, 'Who is he[/she] who dwells in a small shrine in the shape of a lotus-flower in the centre of the castle of Brahman?  Whom should we want to find and to know?' we can answer: 'The little space within the heart is as great as this vast universe.  The heavens and the earth are there, and the sun, and the moon, and the stars; fire and lightning and winds are there; and all that now is and all that is not: for the whole universe is in Him[/Her] and He[/She] dwells within our heart.'"

from the Chandrogya Upanishad

i forgive everyone and ask to be forgiven.  i treat everyone gently--especially myself.

om shanti.