hi again...
well, i don't have the discipline to to anything consistently...why should blogging be any different?
UC Berkeley's application is due on the 14th. i HATE writing artist statements. it all ends of sounding like too much sugary icing on cake. but i don't have the cojones to write it all raw. i need to stop censoring myself: i'm not my mother, after all.
in other developments, i seem to have slowed down the post-move binge-purge cycle. i think a lot of it had to do with all the hiking and Bikram (tm) yoga i was doing. now that my hamstring is re-injured, i'll have to find another outlet...like...painting, perhaps?
i'm so mad at myself for not having a new piece to flesh out my portfolio. four months i had to get something done! it's close to completion, but not 10-days-close. or is it? if i can sweat it out for 90 minutes in a 110-degree sauna doing deep backbends and balancing in vrksasana, i can probably do anything. in fact, i know i can.
i am my own worst enemy; and my biggest obstacle. i need a giant elephant-headed deity to "kick the living shit outta me."
12.06.2010
8.27.2010
crossroads
just when i felt i had the next 3 years of my life roughly planned out, BOOM!
but isn't that the story of my life?
so, it's back to researching grad schools. what do i want out of a graduate program? wouldn't i be content to paint commissions, teach yoga part time and live from paycheck to paycheck, worrying about whether or not my car will make the drive home from work each time?
ANSWER: not really.
i'm hungry to learn. i need to manage my time better. i want to see India and the Galapagos Islands and the Great Barrier Reef before i die, and for that i need time and money. it would also be fantastic to have a car that doesn't require duct tape to hold it together. an MFA is my meal ticket. plus, if i don't find an art community where i'm going, i'm afraid i'll eventually lose interest in making art.
The candidates:
(1) UC Berkeley, MFA Art Practice. expensive, competitive, deep in the heart of Hippieland. i would definitely fit in at Berkeley, but my undergrad experience at UCSD was less than awesome. i get my own studio, but i won't be able to rely on public transportation to get there. way to "go green," Berkeley.
(2) California College of the Arts, MFA Fine Arts. ridiculously expensive, 24-hour access to my own studio in San Francisco proper. i like the fact that i won't just be investing in more figure drawing and landscape painting courses...they ask questions like, "So, i can paint...what now? How is this relevant to a world in which most people have never heard of Betye Saar?"
(3) California Institute of Integral Studies, MFA Creative Inquiry. vague, but interesting title. less expensive than CCA, but no studio space. Not your typical art school snobbery, this program is similar to the one at JFKU, my first choice.
(4) Academy of Art University, San Francisco, MFA Painting. this is a long program (3 years). no studio space. rolling admissions mean i don't have to wait an entire year to start. the electives don't sound all that fascinating.
(5) Stanford University, MFA Art Practice. UBER-COMPETITIVE! Only 5 of 125 applicants are accepted. GRE is required for admission (but scores are not considered...do i even have to pass?) and expensive to apply. if accepted, tuition is paid IN FULL through fellowships and work-study. i could be a teacher before getting a job as a teacher. possibly no social life.
i guess i'm looking for a institution where i can balance alone-time in my studio with stimulating discussion in the classroom. i'd like to build on my technical skills, but be encouraged to remain a human being who can hold a conversation with someone at a party. i want to feel prepared when i hand my resume to the department chair at the University of Awesomeness Where I'd Like to Spend the Next 10 Years of My Life Teaching. i want to feel supported, but challenged. i want to find my niche.
all of this reflection on my life and my future is freaking me the hell out. i ate chocolate for breakfast AND second lunch. (don't worry; i also ate a banana and some high-fiber bread. lots of water.) good thing it's friday. i could use a dip in the pool and possibly some green vegetables.
speaking of food, i can't remember the last time i purged. i'm pretty sure it has been more than a month...go, me! if i could get As in my undergrad classes at UCSD while i was brainstarved and on the verge of heart attack, who knows how i might perform at Stanford...
* influential mixed-media artist from the Feminist Art Movement of the 1960s and 70s. gurrrlllll, shoot.
but isn't that the story of my life?
so, it's back to researching grad schools. what do i want out of a graduate program? wouldn't i be content to paint commissions, teach yoga part time and live from paycheck to paycheck, worrying about whether or not my car will make the drive home from work each time?
ANSWER: not really.
i'm hungry to learn. i need to manage my time better. i want to see India and the Galapagos Islands and the Great Barrier Reef before i die, and for that i need time and money. it would also be fantastic to have a car that doesn't require duct tape to hold it together. an MFA is my meal ticket. plus, if i don't find an art community where i'm going, i'm afraid i'll eventually lose interest in making art.
The candidates:
(1) UC Berkeley, MFA Art Practice. expensive, competitive, deep in the heart of Hippieland. i would definitely fit in at Berkeley, but my undergrad experience at UCSD was less than awesome. i get my own studio, but i won't be able to rely on public transportation to get there. way to "go green," Berkeley.
(2) California College of the Arts, MFA Fine Arts. ridiculously expensive, 24-hour access to my own studio in San Francisco proper. i like the fact that i won't just be investing in more figure drawing and landscape painting courses...they ask questions like, "So, i can paint...what now? How is this relevant to a world in which most people have never heard of Betye Saar?"
(3) California Institute of Integral Studies, MFA Creative Inquiry. vague, but interesting title. less expensive than CCA, but no studio space. Not your typical art school snobbery, this program is similar to the one at JFKU, my first choice.
(4) Academy of Art University, San Francisco, MFA Painting. this is a long program (3 years). no studio space. rolling admissions mean i don't have to wait an entire year to start. the electives don't sound all that fascinating.
(5) Stanford University, MFA Art Practice. UBER-COMPETITIVE! Only 5 of 125 applicants are accepted. GRE is required for admission (but scores are not considered...do i even have to pass?) and expensive to apply. if accepted, tuition is paid IN FULL through fellowships and work-study. i could be a teacher before getting a job as a teacher. possibly no social life.
i guess i'm looking for a institution where i can balance alone-time in my studio with stimulating discussion in the classroom. i'd like to build on my technical skills, but be encouraged to remain a human being who can hold a conversation with someone at a party. i want to feel prepared when i hand my resume to the department chair at the University of Awesomeness Where I'd Like to Spend the Next 10 Years of My Life Teaching. i want to feel supported, but challenged. i want to find my niche.
all of this reflection on my life and my future is freaking me the hell out. i ate chocolate for breakfast AND second lunch. (don't worry; i also ate a banana and some high-fiber bread. lots of water.) good thing it's friday. i could use a dip in the pool and possibly some green vegetables.
speaking of food, i can't remember the last time i purged. i'm pretty sure it has been more than a month...go, me! if i could get As in my undergrad classes at UCSD while i was brainstarved and on the verge of heart attack, who knows how i might perform at Stanford...
* influential mixed-media artist from the Feminist Art Movement of the 1960s and 70s. gurrrlllll, shoot.
8.23.2010
Yakko, Wakko and Dot
so, it occurs to me, after reading some humor blogs, that maybe i take myself way too seriously. actually, i've known that for awhile. i've always been supersensitive about people laughing at me, or about looking stupid or foolish.
as i get older (is my birthday REALLY in less than 2 months?!?!?!?!) i'm learning to laugh at myself more. in fact, i feel as though i'm becoming less adult-like and more child-like. which, i think, is the definition of enlightenment...right? to become like a child, swapping innocence for wisdom? at least, that's kind of the interpretation i've taken away from studying Eastern philosophy. it seems like kind of a swell goal, in my opinion.
for example, i'm still in my pajamas--pajamas with monkeys in Santa hats on them--sitting at the kitchen bar counter where i have been for the last 5 hours reading Hyperbole and a Half, listening to jose gonzalez on YouTube and drinking tea. but i'm wise enough to know that i'd better get off my butt at some point and go get some physical activity or i won't be able to fall asleep because i'll have all this pent-up energy pinging around in my body like a superball in an abandoned warehouse. okay, i guess if i was really child-like, i'd be drinking Kool-Aid, not tea, and i'd be watching episodes of Animaniacs on YouTube...but Kool-Aid is really bad for you...so that's where the wisdom steps in. The Animaniacs episodes sound like a really superb idea, though.
actually, i'm fighting guilt for having done nothing productive (yet) today. a couple of years ago, i would not have been able to spend a day like this. my inner critic would have slaughtered my self-esteem with harsh words. these days, my inner critic--let's call her Mal, just to make it more interesting--these days, Mal's voice isn't so loud and is much easier to kind of blow off.
Mal: "really? it's 3:30pm and you're screwing around on Facebook in your pajamas? way to be, loser. you'll do GREAT in grad school."
Me: "hey! you know i go into Overachiever Mode as soon as academics enters the picture. i won't have this luxury when October comes around. i'll be working full time and taking classes and having to deal with living in a new place where i have to figure out where my bank is and how to change my address on record at the DMV and where to buy organic apples."
Mal: "seriously, you're a fat, lazy slob. you have a million things you should be doing right now..."
Me: "get bent. Katie just posted a photo on my Wall of an XL wine glass and it's hilarious and i have to comment on it."
Mal: "ugh. FINE."
see? normally, that conversation would have gone on and on until Mal convinced me to go run for 3 miles, practice yoga for an hour, organize my closet by color and write goodbye letters to all of my local friends.
i'm starting to find that the less i push, the less i resist and the less of a struggle it is do do the things that are good for me. i usually end up getting my bills paid on time, i've never been starving (though at one point i was eating nothing but brown rice and soymilk) and i've managed to keep myself on my antidepressant meds--or, if i went off for some reason, i was able to get back on before i started plummeting into a dark hole of apathy and self-loathing. go me!
i never imagined my life could be this good.
and it's only getting better.
EDIT: haha! i said "do do" somewhere in this post. if you found it, you win! if you giggled, you're welcome.
as i get older (is my birthday REALLY in less than 2 months?!?!?!?!) i'm learning to laugh at myself more. in fact, i feel as though i'm becoming less adult-like and more child-like. which, i think, is the definition of enlightenment...right? to become like a child, swapping innocence for wisdom? at least, that's kind of the interpretation i've taken away from studying Eastern philosophy. it seems like kind of a swell goal, in my opinion.
for example, i'm still in my pajamas--pajamas with monkeys in Santa hats on them--sitting at the kitchen bar counter where i have been for the last 5 hours reading Hyperbole and a Half, listening to jose gonzalez on YouTube and drinking tea. but i'm wise enough to know that i'd better get off my butt at some point and go get some physical activity or i won't be able to fall asleep because i'll have all this pent-up energy pinging around in my body like a superball in an abandoned warehouse. okay, i guess if i was really child-like, i'd be drinking Kool-Aid, not tea, and i'd be watching episodes of Animaniacs on YouTube...but Kool-Aid is really bad for you...so that's where the wisdom steps in. The Animaniacs episodes sound like a really superb idea, though.
actually, i'm fighting guilt for having done nothing productive (yet) today. a couple of years ago, i would not have been able to spend a day like this. my inner critic would have slaughtered my self-esteem with harsh words. these days, my inner critic--let's call her Mal, just to make it more interesting--these days, Mal's voice isn't so loud and is much easier to kind of blow off.
Mal: "really? it's 3:30pm and you're screwing around on Facebook in your pajamas? way to be, loser. you'll do GREAT in grad school."
Me: "hey! you know i go into Overachiever Mode as soon as academics enters the picture. i won't have this luxury when October comes around. i'll be working full time and taking classes and having to deal with living in a new place where i have to figure out where my bank is and how to change my address on record at the DMV and where to buy organic apples."
Mal: "seriously, you're a fat, lazy slob. you have a million things you should be doing right now..."
Me: "get bent. Katie just posted a photo on my Wall of an XL wine glass and it's hilarious and i have to comment on it."
Mal: "ugh. FINE."
see? normally, that conversation would have gone on and on until Mal convinced me to go run for 3 miles, practice yoga for an hour, organize my closet by color and write goodbye letters to all of my local friends.
i'm starting to find that the less i push, the less i resist and the less of a struggle it is do do the things that are good for me. i usually end up getting my bills paid on time, i've never been starving (though at one point i was eating nothing but brown rice and soymilk) and i've managed to keep myself on my antidepressant meds--or, if i went off for some reason, i was able to get back on before i started plummeting into a dark hole of apathy and self-loathing. go me!
i never imagined my life could be this good.
and it's only getting better.
EDIT: haha! i said "do do" somewhere in this post. if you found it, you win! if you giggled, you're welcome.
7.15.2010
thanks
Abundance is eating an entire basket of fresh raspberries still warm from the California sun.
Abundance is swimming under the stars with someone you cannot stop kissing.
Abundance is a luxurious shower with hot water and grapefruit-scented shampoo.
Abundance is uploading and listening to a gorgeous song that carries you through your day.
Abundance is the laughter shared with your mother in the early morning.
Abundance is packing a healthy lunch that will fuel your body and brain come early afternoon.
Abundance is receiving a wonderful massage from someone who genuinely cares whether you are in pain or not.
Abundance is sharing tea and strawberries with someone who leans in to kiss your cheek every so often.
My life is so rich
so full
so exquisitely bursting at the seams with abundance
that I cannot help but express my deep gratitude.
Abundance is swimming under the stars with someone you cannot stop kissing.
Abundance is a luxurious shower with hot water and grapefruit-scented shampoo.
Abundance is uploading and listening to a gorgeous song that carries you through your day.
Abundance is the laughter shared with your mother in the early morning.
Abundance is packing a healthy lunch that will fuel your body and brain come early afternoon.
Abundance is receiving a wonderful massage from someone who genuinely cares whether you are in pain or not.
Abundance is sharing tea and strawberries with someone who leans in to kiss your cheek every so often.
My life is so rich
so full
so exquisitely bursting at the seams with abundance
that I cannot help but express my deep gratitude.
7.07.2010
"It's Not a Higher Calling...It's Just a Job"
my yoga teacher said this to me today and i was a little shocked and saddened. i mean, i'm not the Buddha re-incarnate, but i'd like to think that yoga teachers--like any teacher, really--are special people. not just anyone can teach individuals how to move and breathe, meditate and cultivate awareness.
i sometimes wonder if i will ever become jaded by life, or if i will remain an idealist as i am now. i never want to work "just a job." my time is precious, and i will not have it wasted on tasks that i do not love--or, at least, do not hate. i don't mind hard work--not at all--but it better be fulfilling on some level. i suppose it's all in my attitude. sweeping a floor could potentially be fulfilling work, but i doubt it would fulfill me for long. i must be challenged to be happy, and also to feel like i am using my talents and skills for a greater good.
may i never become entrenched in a career i hate because i'm too afraid to make a change.
i sometimes wonder if i will ever become jaded by life, or if i will remain an idealist as i am now. i never want to work "just a job." my time is precious, and i will not have it wasted on tasks that i do not love--or, at least, do not hate. i don't mind hard work--not at all--but it better be fulfilling on some level. i suppose it's all in my attitude. sweeping a floor could potentially be fulfilling work, but i doubt it would fulfill me for long. i must be challenged to be happy, and also to feel like i am using my talents and skills for a greater good.
may i never become entrenched in a career i hate because i'm too afraid to make a change.
6.30.2010
drop it like it's hot
after a long hiatus, i'm back to write.
yesterday i sent off my application to JFK University. as usual, a pattern of self-sabotage led me to save plenty of work until the very last minute; i feverishly finished typing both my artist statement AND my personal statement, burned 14 images of my artwork onto a CD, printed everything out (double copies) stuffed them into an envelope...only to arrive at the post office and have to open it back up and put in in the FedEx envelope. $18.13 later, i find out it won't arrive in Pleasant Hill until Thursday, July 1. the deadline is today. le sigh.
i suppose if it is meant to be, JFK will still accept it. what more can i do? if i am not accepted, i will take it to mean i need to spend the next few months looking at the origins of my resistance to deadlines. it's a disease i've had for a long time, probably having something to do with feeling unworthy.
i'm exhausted and feeling a bit numb. anxious to know whether or not my plans for the future will be realized, or if i'll have to revamp. either way, i'll be moving myself and my meager collection of personal belongings up to beautiful San Leandro. it's bittersweet, exciting, terrifying. where will i work? what will become of the man i'm dating? (avoidance of the whole issue seems to be the name of the game.) why is it that now, as i teach my last classes at the yoga center, am i receiving the best feedback of my short career?
the lesson here appears to be How To Let Go. it's not an easy one for me--or for anyone. i like to hang onto the good stuff, the pleasant, the fun. i even like to hang onto the not-so-pleasant stuff, i guess because it's familiar, or i feel like i have no other options. what would happen if i could remain unattached to the outcomes? how can i develop intimacy with people but know when i need to move on from the relationship? i don't think there is any clear answer except: listen to my heart. i hope i can recognize what it sounds like when it speaks.
yesterday i sent off my application to JFK University. as usual, a pattern of self-sabotage led me to save plenty of work until the very last minute; i feverishly finished typing both my artist statement AND my personal statement, burned 14 images of my artwork onto a CD, printed everything out (double copies) stuffed them into an envelope...only to arrive at the post office and have to open it back up and put in in the FedEx envelope. $18.13 later, i find out it won't arrive in Pleasant Hill until Thursday, July 1. the deadline is today. le sigh.
i suppose if it is meant to be, JFK will still accept it. what more can i do? if i am not accepted, i will take it to mean i need to spend the next few months looking at the origins of my resistance to deadlines. it's a disease i've had for a long time, probably having something to do with feeling unworthy.
i'm exhausted and feeling a bit numb. anxious to know whether or not my plans for the future will be realized, or if i'll have to revamp. either way, i'll be moving myself and my meager collection of personal belongings up to beautiful San Leandro. it's bittersweet, exciting, terrifying. where will i work? what will become of the man i'm dating? (avoidance of the whole issue seems to be the name of the game.) why is it that now, as i teach my last classes at the yoga center, am i receiving the best feedback of my short career?
the lesson here appears to be How To Let Go. it's not an easy one for me--or for anyone. i like to hang onto the good stuff, the pleasant, the fun. i even like to hang onto the not-so-pleasant stuff, i guess because it's familiar, or i feel like i have no other options. what would happen if i could remain unattached to the outcomes? how can i develop intimacy with people but know when i need to move on from the relationship? i don't think there is any clear answer except: listen to my heart. i hope i can recognize what it sounds like when it speaks.
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